As a leader, TIME is your greatest asset when outbursts occur!
Let’s explore 4 strategies you can use to deal with tricky situations where things get heated.
Businesses succeed when everyone involved feels safe, valued and respected! Unfortunately, there will always be occasions when someone in the business loses their composure and communicates in a way that destabilises this culture!
Your response, as the leader, is what matters!
The outcome you want is to resolve the issue in a respectful way, whilst also creating a learning moment to encourage self-reflected moderation.
There are ways to handle these situations with ease and grace in a fair and balanced manner!
Overview
We’ve all been in a situation whether family, work, or everyday life, where someone loses their cool. It happens. And sometimes, it’s not pretty!
Knowing how to respond in these situations as an empathic and powerful leader, enables people to have learning moments, whilst also maintaining a safe and respectful environment. Before we dive into the 4 strategies to deal with tricky situations… here’s a situation I was faced with and how I dealt with it!
A Real Live Example
I was implementing a change in our business that had been collaboratively created by the leadership team, always a good approach! However, one of the team members, unbeknown to myself and the team, had been stewing over something they wanted but didn’t get their way!
Just before we started to embed the change I received a firery email, colourfully expressing their dissatisfaction, and demanding things be done their way! It was a very long email (a sure sign of ‘I’m not happy’) with bold text and emotive language!
Here’s is an example of what not to do, but what I did!
I responded promptly and answered all of their questions, one by one, explained the process we have followed and why we needed to move ahead with the teams agreed approach! I powerfully rebutted everything they had said and may have used some bold and caps text myself!
It did not put out the fire and in fact, poured fuel on the inferno! Silly me!! I was responding from my ego because I was so annoyed at their behaviour! I did not get the outcome I wanted, they felt unheard, and it did not make the change easy!
This is a classic example of what not to do… it was not pretty! What I have learnt since then as guided by a mentor is, we as leaders have time on our side. How and, most importantly, when we reply is the secret! Let’s dive into the 5 ways to deal with tricky situations!
Strategies to Handle Outburts!
First, it is worthwhile acknowledging that we all have our heart connected self and our dysfunctional self. All of us! Most are able to self-regulate their reactive emotions, play well with others, and communicate their ideas and thoughts in a respectful way. Some can not!
Strategy 1: Managing Hot Emails
When you receive a heated or emotional driven email from either a team member, a customer, or a supplier, your response is critical. It sets the scene for future communications an relationships.
First and foremost, WAIT! Time is on your side! Depending on the urgency of the subject or issue, let the email sit without a reply for at least an hour if not 24 hours! This enables the writer to reflect, you to consider your response, and time to somewhat heal the issue.
When you choose to respond, rather than react, keep it short, empathise with their issue, refocus to the strategic outcome (not the localised emotive issue), and suggest a catchup (outside of email) to address their points! Again, this creates time!
For Example – a customer sends you an angry email about the late delivery of a product! They go into a lot of detail about why they are angry, what this mean to them, why your company has let them down, and they don’t want to deal with you any more! Whoa!!
Wait! Definitely do not reply immediately! Wait till the next day to respond! When you respond, you want to be in your heart, not acting from your reactive emotions!
You could say something like this: thank you so much for bringing this issue to my awareness. I can totally see why you feel so strongly about this delay! I apologise it has caused you issues! May I contact you to learn more about what happened, to see if I can do anything to solve it your end, and importantly resolve the cause here so it never happens to customers again?
As you can see, I am empathic, curious, respectful, and engaging them in the solution! Sending this response after time has passed will likely end up in a positive outcome. Sending it immediately you receive the email may be met with further emotion and escalated anger! Time is on your side and helps everyone involved!
Strategy 2: Managing outbursts in meetings.
When someone acts out or has an outburst in a meeting it is simply because their needs are not being met. This behaviour can create an unsafe environment for others in the room. It may engage your desire to react and will definitely steer the meeting off course.
Let’s use the simple but powerful techniques from Ambassador Charlene Barshefsky when she successfully navigated an emotive and physical outburst by a Chinese negotiator.
During a critical US and Chinese negotiations things got very heated! The highly charged physical lunge and emotional outburt by the Chinese negotiator, “…take it or leave it.”, was successfully mitigated by Barshefsky using three well-delivered strategies.
First, she interrupts the energetic intensity and maintains her composure using silence, saying nothing for 30 to 40 seconds, ultimately regaining power.
Second, she questions the content of the outburst “…but I can’t imagine that’s what you meant”, demonstrating there is something uncertain about the comment, opening an opportunity for the negotiator to rethink his approach.
Third, she diverts and reasserts control stating, “I think what you mean is that you’d like me to think over your last offer and that we can continue tomorrow.” This final strategy reframes proceedings and establishes a level position. Additionally, Barshefsky demonstrates continuing empathy saying, “I appreciate what you’re conveying to me and that I need to give your proposal serious thought.” Holistically, her participative turns and empathic communication style powerfully mitigate the move by the Chinese negotiator.
Barshefsky effectively executes the strategies, applying well-practiced negotiation skills and an intentionally disarming, empathic and polite manner. It is what she does not do that heightens her probability of success.
What she does not do, is even more important!
Barshefsky does not reference or react to the extremely hostile physical lunge and emotive move. Instead, she uses the power of silence. The void of a rapid verbal reaction provides time for the negotiator to calm down and reflect, inviting transformation. Barshefsky uses the time to regain her composure and wisely construct her response.
Barshefsky does not make the negotiator accountable for his negative behaviour. Instead, she is polite, empathic, and calm. She demonstrates the seriousness of his proposal without judging the physical threat, by saying, “I appreciate what you’re conveying to me and that I need to give your proposal serious thought.” This approach reestablishes a cooperative climate.
Barshefsky does not respond to the ultimatum of “take it or leave it”. Instead, she monitors his facial expressions, noticing his awareness to his mistake. She questions his comment politely, demonstrating she is listening and is empathic, which deescalate his emotions.
Barshefsky does not hand power back to the negotiator after her questioning. Instead, she continues without skipping a beat by reframing proceedings, stating, “I think what you mean is that you’d like me to think over your last offer and that we can continue tomorrow.” This final turn reasserts her control and rebalances the power equally to both parties.
Conclusion
The predominant communication style successfully applied by Barshefsky in this negotiation, and consistently demonstrated in her career, is politeness. Her measured response in this instance, is a non-threatening respectful manner, enabling the Chinese negotiator to save face and the negotiations to continue.
Ultimately, Barshefsky’s personal style, resilience, and her ability to communicate intentially and respectfully resulted in continued negotiations and positive outcome for the United States.
Source: A. Donohue, ‘The Power of Politeness in Negotiation: The Charlene Barshefsky Conversations’ (2020) 36(2) Negotiation Journal 213
The Strategy to Manage Outbursts
First, use silence!
Anger and emotion dissolve when not confronted by a reaction.
Using silence:
– interrupts the intensity and energy in the room
– gives you time to regain your composure
– and gives you space to consider your response.
Second, when sufficient time has passed, which may feel a little uncomfortable, question the content of the outburst, not the outburst itself. E.g. “do you mean X.Y.Z.?” This will enable the team member to reflect on what they said. Gives an opportunity for growth and transformation!
Third, swiftly follow by diverting and reasserting control of the meeting by saying something like “… I think you mean you would like me/us to consider…. D.E.F… ”. This shows you have listened, have empathy, and are in control as you reframe the conversation back to the agenda. Your composure and functional communication style will go a long way to deescalate the situation. Additionally, this intentionally disarming, empathic and polite style is not only effective, but demonstrates the culture you want in your business.
Fourth, if the outburst content is outside the scope of the meeting, let the team member know you will put in a meeting with them to discuss their concerns. This let’s others in the room know you will be dealing with what happened.
These 4 steps reestablish a safe room, demonstrate respectful communication, deescalate the emotions, and refocus the meeting back to the agenda!
In Summary, this approach to outbursts is rather simple, but it is not easy, especially if there is a lot of emotion in the room. It will take practice, but if you at least take a breath and wait, you can maintain composure! From this place you will have a good chance of navigating the outburst!
Strategy 3: Managing one-on-one conflicts
For this situation, apply the same approach used for outbursts in the room PLUS add these strategies using coaching style communication:
- Ask open questions to explore what need is not being met, or what underlying issues are present.
- Ask if they are ok. Ask, is there anything they need from you to be ok or move forward. Whatever their response, explore further to understand how they are and see if there are ways you can support them.
Once things are more settled and the emotion is diffused:
- Ask how they feel others in room experienced their communication style
- Ask what they could do differently to get their point across effectively
- Ask them to help you create the outcomes you are after and the culture you want to establish.
This is likely to be a bonding moment if you can communicate respectfully, with empathy, and with a coaching style.
Alternatively, if things escalate, or the emotions are too much for your team member during your one-on-one, suggest a break, and if necessary, give them the rest of the day off with genuine care as your reason, then regroup at another time.
Strategy 4: Managing escalating, dangerous, or disrespectful outbursts.
As the leader in the room, you MUST act immediately! Silence and waiting are not the approach required here. Your team are looking to you as the leader, to shut this down immediately!
Follow these steps:
- Stand up. This creates a state change for you and the room
- Declare the meeting closed and ask everyone to leave the room, accept the person in question.
- If they leave, let them!
- If they stay, let them know you will go get both of you a glass of water, and ask them if there is there anything else they would like.
- This buys you time and gives them time in an empty room to reflect.
- On your return, follow the approach used for a one-on-one conflict. Additionally to this you will need to consider if apologies are required, if they have breached any code of conduct, and what steps need to occur accordingly.
Good luck with the application of these 4 strategies to deal with tricky situations. The more you use them, the less the situations will occur!!
– OVER TO YOU –
The capability to handle any conflict in your business is a practiced art! It takes courage and tenacity to hold your ground, take a breath, and not react from your ego or emotions!
To recap…
- Time is your best friend when it comes to descalating hot emails or emotional outburst at work. Remember – anger cannot sustain without a sparring partner.
- Demonstrate you have listened, understood, and have empathy by thanking them for their contribution, reframing the issue, and asking powerful questions.
- Reestablish the vibe in the room using your communication style
- Be curious to understand what needs need to be met
- Engage people in the solution
- Shut down dangerous or disrespectful behaviour immediately.
In Closing
At the end of the day, you have a desired business culture to nuture and protect. The behaviour you accept in your business, establishes this culture. It’s not always easy to deal with dysfunctional communications, but it is critical to lead by example and deal with issues respectfully, empathically, in a disarming and powerful way!
The end result for you and your team is a culture where everyone feels safe, valued, and respected.
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